Battle Royale – Rasputin Rovers go to war

By tdf, November 21, 2016

Finally, after countless hours spent on the training ground, many months of tactical preparation and sleepless nights, the tournament dawned upon the horizon for Rasputin Rovers FC this fateful morn.

Conditions were ripe for glory, yet as is all too often the case year upon year, the squad arrived in drips and drabs, with barely any time to limber up, warm the branding irons and sharpen the blades before the dwarf masquerading as a referee sounded the war cry for our opening fixture of the campaign against ethnic radio station 3ZZZ. Who thankfully manifested not quite as the zulu army I had feared.

The action was tough from the off, no more lazy Sunday morning kick-around jollies, for the physicality and pace left us well aware that we were in fight to the death. We forged a few decent chances, as did the opposition and it was an unfortunate ricochet off a low flying magpie which sent Marc the wrong way for the opener. Soon after it was the gallic imp once again in the thick of the action as he went toe to toe with the brutal, gargantuan progeny of Fatima Whitbread and Oliver Bierhoff, saving the day with a stunning and dangerously brave save to the near post at the cost of finding himself crushed under his 8ft foe. Clearly the veteran was in trouble, yet gallantly he struggled on, allowing us to reach half time with all still to play for.

Eager to get the bench up to speed, old Nick decided the time was Right for Big Remi, Paul and Jorge to enter the fray. It was a risky decision, but one that had to be made and who could say, perhaps it would turn the tide in our favour? That question was swiftly and repeatedly answered by 3ZZZ, as we lost our shape, conceded four sloppy goals and generally appeared in complete disarray, with positions and duties awry, absent of direction. The blame for which weighed heavily on the shoulders of the highly experienced coach, Vlad Pennuto. The final scoreline was a resounding 5-0 defeat…Worse news was to follow, with Marc’s injury proving more serious than first hoped. An agonising stumble to the Physio resulted in Remi showing wonderful team spirit and forsaking his own further involvement in the campaign to transport the injured hero to the hospital.

The loss of two stalwarts of the side dug the dagger of defeat deeper into the collective heart of the Rovers and as we sat there in the shade, silence became us. Was it all over? Had our dreams of glory been cruelly dashed against the rocks?

Widely revered and often repugnant tactician Vlad Pennuto joined the silent protest, but what was running through his mangled synapses was not submission, but recovery…and soon enough, as if he had been in conversation with others for many minutes, suddenly he spoke, a glint of madness in his eyes, ‘Indeed…quite right…I have the answer. Tally ho chaps!’. With time, wounds were sutured, a reorganisation of tactics and selection was forged. And when the cannon sounded for Game 2 against Thomson Reuters, renewed optimism was blossoming in the rank and file.

We grabbed the game by the jugular and immediately went on the attack. Wave after waver of pressure, with chances created but nothing converted. Former Republic of Ireland U5 keeper Paul Kenny was a mere spectator between the sticks as the Rovers found their rhythm. With several opportunities spurned, the deadlock was finally broken through a crisp drive after some dainty footwork by Steve Dempsey. The floodgates opened, with goals following for Timmy Vickers, and another for Dempsey who found space in the box to head in from close range a world class cross field pass from Connor Wells. Old school bullyboy Basher Johnson was supplying a sturdy rearguard action, Jorge Leon owning the flank, Dempsey intelligently dropping back when needed then dancing past opponents with the ball at his feet at will and another goal was plundered before half time as the increasingly impressive Connor Wells plundered his opening strike of the tournament. With a healthy 5-0 half time lead, Vlad replaced Basher and we picked up exactly where we left off.

This was a wonderfully one sided affair. Some of the football played was as good as you will see at the highest level with the trident offensive unit of Vickers, Wells and Dempsey, at times, pure poetry in motion. Jorge rounded of the scoring for a deserved 9-0 victory. We had found not just a winning system, but a winning mentality and now feared no-one…but perhaps ourselves.

Next up on the chopping board were the ELM slime merchants…Still with a chance to go through the knockout phase, the Rovers began the game with the same finesse that had served us so well against Reuters. However, we were forced back, as the game became tight and rather vicious (No Basher…FUCK No!). Tackles were flying in from all heights and angles. Kenny earned his stripes with a series of stunning saves, and we were unable to take our few chances. An end to end melee led to ELM striking first blood, yet heads didn’t drop, and before half time we had clawed our way back to 2-1 in our favour. As before, Vlad replaced Basher, which served solely to up the ante in the spitefulness stakes, as the former Putin strategist  launched into a succession of challenges which even a blind and deaf referee would find hard to let go without serious consideration of laying down charges of assault. Yet we were all in the wars as the temperature rose both on and off the field. A piece of mercurial genius from Wells sent us to 3-1 up as he added to fine strikes from Dempsey and Vickers. And it was those two yet again whose mesmeric footwork and fine finishing put to bed the hint of a comeback at 3-2. The game finished 5-2 to the Rovers. With Basher Johnson plundering a  missile of a penalty from the spot.

Due to a bizarre set of circumstances and administrative awfulness, we emerged from the group in first position. Yet given that the 3ZZZ crowd had a game forfeited through no fault of their own, the Rovers captain and his loyal flock decided to allow the forfeited game to be played elsewhere, which by default placed the Rovers second in the group regardless of the result. It is fair to say that this decision – which was proclaimed by the officials as outstanding sportsmanship – was rooted more in the likelihood that most of the squad would be unable to walk on Sunday, let alone keen on returning to the field for another battle.

Player Ratings

Marc – So unfortunate to suffer his second major injury at the games, and our thoughts are with him as he begins, yet again, the recovery program now his shoulder has been forced back into place. 9

Paul Kenny – Stepped into the breach when all seemed lost and performed heroically between the sticks. His saves in the final game were the difference between failure and victory. 9

Basher Johnson – Went about his work with determination and brute force. Wrought havoc in the hearts and minds of all who dared to try pass him, and supported the attack with zeal and horror. When the penalty was awarded, there was no question in his mind (it happened so fast, nobody seemed to truly believe that Basher Johnson was our designated penalty taker), the former KKK member bringing the house down, rapturous applause as he blasted home then ‘celebrated’ by removing a 9 iron from his backpack and gave chase to  the goal-keeper…8

Vlad Pennuto – Kept things tight and simple at the back, offering his trademark covering, marking and hacking routine. Whether on or off the field he roared and orchestrated the recovery and blossoming of a side with such huge and obvious potential. Gave no quarter to the opponents. Worryingly incoherent for much of the day due to waltzing too deep into the night with the vodka vixen. Resolute in the challenge. 7

Jorge Leon – Steady, gritty and ever eager to attack. The chilean knitted together the perfect marriage of defence and offence and deserved his glory. 8.5

Tim Vickers – A midfield dynamo flying the flag with pride. Vickers was ubiquitous, weighing in with some fine tackles and memorable goals. Combative, strong and always seeking the ball. 9

Steve Dempsey – Perhaps the most intelligent player of the squad. Assessing the strengths and weaknesses, Dempsey applied himself superbly to proving exceptionally potent in the final third, whilst maintaining defensive discipline. In spite of his close to criminal allegiance to Liverpool FC, he knows football. A sparkling contribution brimming with flair and focus. 9.5

Connor Wells – The youngster was brought into the side at the last minute. Learning the names of his comrades through the first game as he revived from a high speed sprint, Connor emerged from the traps for the 2nd fixture in a more natural CF role and the results were staggering. His immense physicality combined with glorious technical talent proved unplayable. He continued this ferocious form into the final outing, riding a fair few nasty tackles, giving as good as he got, and earning just rewards for his berserker endeavour. Given his lack of familiarity with the squad, and phenomenal showing, Connor should be especially proud of his endeavour. 10.

Essentially, we gave a more than decent account of ourselves. Losing Cian before a ball had been kicked in anger, then Marc succumbing to a dislocated shoulder, Remi also removed from the battle to show brilliant camaraderie, in the hospital trip and offering not just zero complaint for his lack of first team action but praise for what happened in his absence …The swift improvement in form, some glorious football played and truth be told, were we to have demanded the rules be enforced as they are written, we would have topped the group.

Truly, it has been a privilege to play in this haphazardly collected team. To a man, I am proud, of not just what we have achieved, but the manner in which we have gone about our business. The decision to bend the rules, in favour of what felt right, is a testament to the decency of every member of the Rasputin Rovers squad. Myself excluded. And probably Basher also, for shameful but somehow righteous reasons.

Yes yes! We could harp on about the goal difference being affected by the fact that we played more games, before the machinations of bureaucracy came into force, which assuredly affected our form, yet truth be told, we finished where we deserved to find ourselves. And there is nowt to be sorry for finishing second of four.

’Twas a brilliant day and I offer my gratitude to everyone involved.

Forza The Rovers!