feelings which consume me…
Do YOu truly understand what you are? As in, a creature born to have the potential for so much good and bad, but essentially, a creature born to die, to live your life and then dive totally into a blackness as cold and unfeeling as the darkness of Space????
All these feelings which consume me, which govern me, they are ultimately worthless…as your feelings are ultimately worthless. even though to me, feelings are everything, the only thing that matters…
Last night i cried myself to sleep, grabbed Oscar from my feet, held him close to my head and heart, simply in order to feel as much creature to creature warmth as possible, for the moment. And moment are ALL we have, as humans, as hyenas, as gila monsters, as trees…in such a state last night, my mind drenched with realism and THC, pondering death, i channeled a formerly close friend of mine, fuck it, a still close friend of mine, even though all facts point towards his suicide…i felt what he told me, which i could never contest, as i agreed.
As a wiser, elder brother told me, many moons ago…when i was so savagely depressed after a french sicilian girl i had adored with everything i had, for four fuckin years, had ditched me, via ecstacy, for a man who resembled physically, Shrek, a man who openly told as many as could hear his shrieks of worthlessness, ‘i cant even look at my reflection in a shop window’…but…he ran around town, finding her E and fine white poweder, when I told my then fiance, at the time, ‘what the fuck is wrong with you??? where is the girl i have adored for many years?? the girl who followed me across the world and back???No, fucking NO, i WONT ask my people for drugs, for you and your new office crowd’…he told me…’your ex is now chugging troll cum…and so what??? you want to compete??? well, i have been with many women, but the only woman i have ever truly loved, got cancer, and when she knew she was going to die, she discarded me, to head around the world…she discarded me…so fuck off, and cry in your room’…wise words.
I KNOW what most deem LOVE. I have been blessed, more than most, in terms of the people i have been thrust upon. But here and now, at 32 years of age. i truly fucking have no reason to live, other than to make Oscar’s tail wag…Is that enough???? when what i am leading to, is a darkness, as cold and barren and unfeeling as Deep Space itself…
my only advice can be this:
Live your life as vibrantly as possible. Do good onto the good, crush the obviously Nasty. Surround yourself with love, and embrace that Love…hope for the best. Selah///
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