Haggard world cup predictions

By tdf, June 12, 2014

 

With the world cup cannon set to fire its proud shot across the bow of the world as a whole in the very new future, the wait it over, and before the first ankle is crunched in rage, it seems a joyful routine to embark on predictions.

Who will prosper? Who will fail miserably? Whose star will shine the brightest? Whose reputation will be decimated? Is OJ Simpson a solid choice for the next President of the United Snakes of America? All these questions and more are answered below…

Group A

I can’t see anyone challenging Brazil for top spot, although you never know with the Mexicans.

Key Players – Neymar, David Luiz, Hulk, Oscar, Silva for Brazil. And as for the rest, only Modric of Croatia stands out as a potential live-wire for the cannon fodder.

Form and home advantage suggest >

Standings – Brazil, Croatia, Mexico, Cameroon finish.

Group B

It is such a shame that the first solid brother I have found in Australia turns out to be a Greek. Yet all is not lost, for he is a passionate supporter of the socceroos, and a portion of the chaotic soliloquies of manic enthusiasm for the Australian cause which he has delivered to everyone within range in the workplace, has even led me to soften, very slightly, my hot desire to see the Aussies truly humiliated. For Australia, this is a group of potential annihilation in every match. Whereas for Spain and to a slightly lesser degree Holland, the only tricky fixture is against each other, with 1st and 2nd spot decided on the ties against Chile.

Had Vidal been fit and firing on all cylinders prior to the opening fixtures, I would perhaps have offered Chile a greater chance. Yet the Juve man, certainly one of the finest and most complete midfielders in the world, is far from ready to stake a claim for a starting spot, let alone make an appearance from the bench. Still, the Chileans are gritty as ferrets of war and with Sanchez up top, they have a player who is capable of winning any match with a moment of brilliance.

I expect Spain to experience an easier ride than Holland, for they are the best side in the tournament when it comes to possession and breaking down opponents. They remain a threat for the title, and should win the group.

The Australians have a solid defensive midfielder and capable rat forward in Cahill, other than which, I will hope for dear Johnny’s sake, that their manager, Postecogolopoulocol, is wise enough to embark on a damage limitation routine in every game.

Standings – Spain, Holland, Chile, Australia

Key Players – Sanchez for Chile. The whole spanish squad. Van Persie for the dutch. The Aussies greatest strength appears to be the confidence and tactical nous of their manager, who played under Hungarian hero Puskas. I was shown footage of an early 90s Aussie league final match earlier today in which the team of greek australians – managed by Puskas – equalized very late on. The stadium erupted with hellenic mayhem, players started fucking each other in the classical greek style, yet when the cameras focused on Puskas, he was found dead to the world…Surely a bad omen?

Group C

Colombia strike me as the clear favourites. For they are technically superior to their opponents and well accustomed to the latin ambience. The scrap for second will be fought between Drogba and the Japs, with Greece playing the role of cockblocks. Whilst I consider Yaya ‘binks’ Toure to be the finest midfielder on the planet, I can never bet against the Japs in a massacre…

Key Players – Cuadrado for Colombia. Toure and Drogba for Ivory Coast. Emperor Hirohito (Jap).

Standings – Colombia, Jap, Ivory Coast, Greece

Group D

Arguably the true group of death, other than those wretched souls stuck in G, since in both situations, all teams will fancy their chances at progression to the second round.

Uruguay, with Suarez and Skeletor in attack are clearly the strongest threat going forward, yet they have little of note in midfield. Their rearguard, marshalled by one of my favourite nutjobs Lugano, is brutal, yet traditionally volatile.

The Costa Ricans have one of the worst divers in existence up top in Campbell, other than which, are solid, and rather too attacking en masse to be considered as serious contenders.

England have a better chance than for many moons. Rooney remains one of the most naturally gifted players in the game, and this could well be his last chance to mesh his prime as a footballer with an international tournament. Whether he has the confidence of Roy Hodgkinsons or not, is a pertinent question. For Sturridge, Wellbeck, Barkley and other young upstarts, bring youth, enthusiasm and confidence from a hard fought premiership season to proceedings. Josh Hart in goal and the defence as a whole lacks world class quality. By opting for youthful exuberance, Hodgkinsons can roll the dice of fate. Will they stand up to the pressure or wilt in the heat?

With my vodka rooted remedy for what seems a likely gum infection taking hold, I find myself focused on my italian brethren…On paper, I would place the italian squad at the top of the pile. Yet Italy have a hard to shed habit of starting atrociously in major tournaments, and relying on arrogance alone, to coast through the group stage, propel them into the knock-out realm and only then, if at all, will they come to life and show their very best.

The notion that I have only a very loose idea of the formation and starting XI which will appear against England in their opening fixture suggests, at best, that Prandelli is keeping his cards close to his chest, at worst, that Prandelli has even less concrete an idea than myself, of the best team and tactics to deploy.

What can be asserted is that Italy have one of, if not the, best central cores of the tournament. Buffon, Chiellini, Barzagli, Motta and Pirlo are all incredibly strong. The flanks are questionable. In the final third, Balotelli can amaze less often than he irritates. I would be most pleased to see Immobile given a start alongside his former Torino team-mate Cerci, with Cassano making a cameo. Yet who can say what Prandelli will decide? When even the man himself appears to have little idea of how best to proceed.

Edinson Cavani, he resembles Skeletor and is a wonderful striker on his day.

Key Players – Lugano, Suarez, Cavani of Uruguay. Rooney, Gerrard, Barkley for England. Pirlo, Barzagli, Balotelli for Italy.

Standings– Uruguay, Italy/England, Costa Rica

Group E

At first glance, France should trounce the group, I hear people remark. However, whilst Honduras are wretched, the Swiss are very well organized and more than capable of holding their own. Still, with Pogba running the show for the frogs, they should win the group. Ecuador are interesting, but probably will lose the skirmish with Switzerland for 2nd spot in the table.

Key players – Pogba…France have one of the most powerful young players in the tournament. He can tackle, wins his fair share of aerial challenges, and with the ball at his feet, the 21 year old is very hard to dispossess, his passing is classy and his shooting from range is terrifying. The Swiss have Lichstiener, Shaqiri and that genius left back Rodriguez.

Standings – France, Switzerland, Ecuador, Honduras

Group F

For any fans eager to see exciting attacking play throughout a match, my advice is to stick with the Argies. Any team which can afford to omit Tevez from the squad yet remain one of the favourites to win the competition, clearly have an embarrassment of riches in the offensive department. Other than Garay, their defence is a shambles. Yet once moving into midfield, the quality measure instantly becomes world class, and extremely offensive. Di Maria, Aguero, Higuain and Messi represent the most special attacking unit any squad could offer. If they click, the group is a foregone conclusion, and they could quite likely head all the way to the final.

Standing in their way…I can only see Bosnia giving them any trouble. So the battle for second spot will be the main sideshow of the group. The Eastern Europeans should clinch it, but Iran may well prove gutsy, and the africans of Nigeria are often physically brutal.

Key Players – Di Maria, Messi, Higuain, Aguero, all of Argentina.

Standings – Argentina, Bosnia, Nigeria, Iran.

Group G

For me, this is the most interesting group, just edging Group D in terms of four teams who will all be confident of their chances of progressing. Germany will emerge triumphant. And Portugal will be close behind. Yet Ghana and the most hated nation on the planet, US, will be scrapping claw and fang for that second qualifying spot.

 

Key Players – Ozil, Schewinsteiger, Lahm, Nuer for Germany. Ronaldo, Nani, Pereira of Portgual.

Standings – Germany, Portugal, USA, Ghana

Group H

I am tired now, the smirnoff has taken the edge of my dental agony, and I have written far more than my hoped for ‘quick-fire predictions’. So excuse the brevity,

Belgium are in pole position. Russia will qualify in second.

Key Players – Lukaku, Hazard of Belgium.

Standings – Belgium, Russia, S Korea, Algeria

So onto the winners...

It must surely be Brazil, Spain or the Argies. In that order of likelihood.

The dark horses are France, Belgium and the old favourites Italy, Germany and a Pogba driven France.

Player of the tournament – 

Messi, Neymar or as a wild card…Pogba.

Top Scorer-

Messi, Neymar or as a wild card…Immobile.

 

Heaviest defeat-

I would passionately like to say Australia, but my greek brother Johnny has persuaded me that his cockatoos will never be shamed, which leaves me…Honduras and Algeria. I will opt for the latter.

 Please feel free to add your own predictions below…>>>