extremes of emotion and sensation…a cruel carictature of what i once was.

By tdf, October 29, 2011

I have so many beginnings of wonderful lines to write, but something is stopping me. The brightest light of suspicion falls upon a lack of connected enough loved ones, with whom to share my vital expressions of pure feeling and frantic thought. After beginning to wade into Steppenwolfe, I began, all too quickly to relate to the main character, mainly in terms of his sensation/conclusion of a natural distance between whatever he perceives himself to be, and the others which look like they are of the same species. Connected enough, in my diction, means – people i can lock eyes and hearts with often. I have moved around like a flea on a hot tin roof, since infancy. Even deep into adolescence, with a secondary school set of shackles around my feett for 8 years, as soon as the opportunity to flee arose, even as a brief idea, i grabbed it and moved on, not based on some long held yearning to move on, but seemingly, just because it felt normal. Since moving to Manchester, 12 years ago, I have not remained even in the same country, for more than 3 years at a time, let alone houses and towns…Infancy sets up so many blueprints, which if not noticed and very seriously scrutinized for value and reason, remain…somehow natural and easy, long into adulthood. I am coming up to the 3 year mark for this city and country. Houses have been moved four times in that period. A female who came here with me has long since left. I have embraced, or allowed myself to degenerate into, a creature who chases extremes of emotion and sensation…