Gems in the Mega Rough Vol XXXIXIXIXI: I can’t front

By tdf, August 12, 2016

I am sickened and appalled at myself. For I have leaned towards chameleon. I have forsaken my integrity, and now am riddled with self recrimination. I am finding nourishment for such total opposition to my essence on a day to day basis, on a corporate case by case basis. And I hate it…I am dressing differently. Steeling myself with effort I despise, to maintain my role in a corporate stage play of CUNT.

Perhaps this is what I need. To engineer my exit from a realm absent of decency, honesty, integrity…I am crying with one eye as I allow myself to be pulled into everything I hate and wish to crush and destroy.

My tolerance levels are peaking. The bitch whispering, the disgusting duplicity, the corporate gamesmanship, is everything I cannot stand, and yet I have become part of the frog march. What matters most is escaping me, on the horizon of my now, found with zeal only in my dream, always with mad lust, the intensity heightened by the tension and conjured drama from my wakefulness in the eyes closed realm…Am I waiting to roar and fang, or acquiescing. I am unsure. For this year has revealed too many considered kin as out to hurt me. And I have no idea where I stand, with anyone. Other than Oscar…

I yearn to return to the embrace of my brothers from the motherland. For the bonds that tie us together stretch well beyond space and time. They feel me as I feel them, and whether face to face or a million miles apart, the love prevails. I seek honesty, loyalty, yet find spastic politicians, who speak ill of me in the shadows, then play nice to my face..why do they not feel like the cunts they are?

I feel closer to Saul than I do with anyone with whom I have collided and revealed myself in this realm. Sally and Rick and Brent are on the same level, for they also have come across always as honest as the forest. No matter the reaction. They are REAL. They, alongside Saul, do not move an inch towards a semblance of playing the game…what fucking game? Why would you want to lie to anyone when your survival is not at stake???? I adore those aforementioned, for they are wise and real and open, and to feel any slither of their fondness returned, assures me I am on the Right path, fuck the left leaning, the right leaning, the pretty pricks, the mindless mongs, I seek essence…the real…what I can feel and grasp and hold close and know is pure.

Why speak what you do not mean? Unless a gun is held to your head…Why laugh when you find nothing amusing? Why lie? Why pretend? Why filter your spirit, soul and heart to ensure that others do not know who you truly are?

Whilst the world is aflame, and the masses are cheering our path towards nuclear war, the very least we can do is promote honesty, and loyalty to our ideals, then hope for the best, know we have at least done the best we can offer.

I have watched myself lean towards corporate cowing, and Saul has reminded me of the List of Demands I agree with and must forge as my own mantra…

My poetry is born of a capable, reaching mind, a spirit well traveled amongst the human hordes, and a heart prone to seeking nowt but truth…I am crushed for believing in the same of others. I am saddened and flowing with tears from assuming the same in others. I feel not embarrassment for my flood of woe born of a world gone wrong, only awkwardness, for I sense I should be doing more.